Leading Yourself | 6 min read
You Optimized Everything. In Relation to What?
You run the tightest operation you know. Before you ask whether your life is working, ask the question that comes first: working compared to what?
The short version
If you’re successful but unhappy, the trouble usually isn’t effort or gratitude. You optimized your life brilliantly against a goal you never chose: the office’s. Revenue, the number, being the one everybody needs. “Optimal” means nothing until you name what you’re measuring against, for every room of your life, not just the office.
Successful but unhappy, and nobody can tell
The deal closed Thursday. By Sunday the house was quiet, and the quiet didn’t feel like rest.
Someone at dinner asked how things were going. You said “good” before they finished the question. It was true. Revenue’s up. The team moves on your word. Your calendar is full of people waiting on a decision only you can make.
Then it’s 1 a.m., the laptop’s closed, and you’re running the numbers again in the dark. They’re fine. They’re also the only numbers you know how to read.
You’d never say this out loud. On paper you’ve got nothing to complain about, and you know exactly how it would sound. So you keep it in the one place nobody can audit: your own head.
The question that ended the argument
Not long ago I was going back and forth over the order of something I’d built: the ten rooms of a leader’s life, one after another.
The question was whether the rooms were in the optimal order. Then whether they were in the ideal order.
I finally said it: “Well, the question is, in relation to what?”
That ended it. The best order for someone in a hurry is one thing. The best order for someone ready to be honest with themselves is another. Neither word means anything until you name the goal you’re measuring against.
It’s the same question I’d put to any leader who’s winning and can’t feel it.
Optimal against the wrong goal is still losing
Type the wrong address into your navigation app and it’ll still find you a perfect route. Fastest lanes, no tolls, right on time. You’ll arrive, precisely and efficiently, exactly where you didn’t mean to go.
That’s what a lot of driven leaders have done with their lives. You optimized everything: your mornings, your team, your margins, your response time. You got very, very good.
Good in relation to what? Look at the yardstick you’ve been using. Revenue. The number. How fast you answer. How much depends on you. Every mark on it was cut in the office.
Nobody asked if you wanted that yardstick. The old game handed it to you. Look fine, keep the number climbing, fix things after they break. If the business is fine, you’re fine. You were measured that way for years, so you started measuring yourself that way too.
Your discipline was never the problem. The ruler was.
You can be the best in the world at a game you never meant to play.
Four rooms the old yardstick never counted
Hold the office ruler up to the rest of the house and watch what it misses.
The room you share
The yardstick counted whether you made it home by eight. It never counted whether you were actually there once you sat down, or how long it’s been since the two of you talked about anything but the calendar.
The dining room
It counted the gift that arrived on time. It never counted the chair where you were supposed to be, or the people who’ve learned to start dinner without you.
The terrace
It counted the trip you booked. It never counted the afternoon by the pool you spent answering email, or how long it took your shoulders to come down. If they ever did.
The front door
It counted how many people need you. It never counted how many people you get to need, or who you’d call at 1 a.m. with the thing you haven’t told anyone.
Four rooms, and not one mark on the ruler for any of them. There are six more.
The ideal life isn’t a better score on the same number
Power traces back to the Latin for “to be able.” It was never about control.
You’ve got plenty of control. Squeezing another five percent out of the same number won’t change how the house feels. The ideal life is being able to live in the whole house you built. Able to sit through dinner with your mind at the table. Able to take a Saturday and enjoy it. Able to say the true thing to the person across from you.
The three things you’re thinking right now
“This is a first-world problem.” Maybe. You can know you’re fortunate and still be carrying something heavy. Waiting until it feels serious enough to deserve attention is how a dim room goes dark.
“Coaching is somebody asking me questions I could ask myself.” Fair. You don’t need a mirror that nods. When we talk, you’ll get a straight read, plainly, and what I’d do if I were sitting where you sit.
“I’ll get pitched.” The page I’m sending you to sells nothing. It runs on your screen, and nothing you mark is saved or sent. If you book the free First Call after it, nothing is sold or paid on that call either.
I measured myself with the same ruler
Lead Your Power is me. I came up with it because I was a leader struggling with the exact same things.
I joined the Marine Corps in 1995. I’m a combat veteran. I was out in the desert by myself, unsupervised, for more than 30 days, and four of my senior leaders vouched for my service in writing. After the uniform, I worked inside multinational corporations, in someone else’s seat, and helped scale automotive businesses from zero to hundreds of millions in annual sales. I did it the right way, “without filleting people, without miscommunicating.”
I’m proud of that road. The office’s ruler just never measured the part that was costing me. Everybody pulled at me, and I gave out to everybody, until my own cup was empty.
Today I’m the mentor of the mentors’ mentors. I coached the coaches. I won’t hand you a framework from a stage. I’ll sit across the table as someone who’s carried the same weight, and help you see what the noise hides.
Before you ask “is this working?”, ask “in relation to what?”
The move takes about ten honest minutes.
- Write down the number you’ve been measuring yourself against. The real one, the one you check at 1 a.m.
- Ask who chose it. You, or the office?
- Walk all ten rooms and mark each one Lit, Dim or Dark. Then look hard at the rooms your old ruler never counted.
That third step is what the next page is for: the ten rooms, one at a time, and a scorecard at the end.
If a room stings, you can book The First Call from there: fifteen free minutes with me or someone on my team.
Common questions
Why do I feel successful but unhappy?
Often because you’ve been measuring your whole life with one yardstick, the office's: revenue, growth, being needed. Those numbers can all climb while the rooms they never count go dark. The unhappiness is usually the gap between what you measure and what you value.
What does "in relation to what" mean?
It's the question that comes before "is this optimal?" or "is this working?" Optimal only means something once you've named the goal.
Name what you’re measuring against
You’ve already proved you can optimize anything. The only question left is what you’re optimizing for. Walk the ten rooms and see what the old yardstick never counted.
My coaching, facilitation, training and development aren’t therapy or medical care, and they aren’t legal, tax or financial advice. Nothing here promises an outcome.
Lead your power.
You don’t have to hold the ruler alone
You’ve spent years measuring everything against one number. Let someone sit across from you while you pick a better one.
The first step is small. Walk the ten rooms, mark what you find, then pick fifteen minutes on the calendar.